AUGUST 7, 2019

“Damaged Goods”

So many times I go on Facebook and I see posts about disconnecting from toxic people and “getting over” and healing after you’ve been in toxic relationships, but…what if you’re the one that’s toxic? What if the BS the other person did was horrible and wrong, but your actions made things worse. Some of us keep relationships past their expiration dates and then we get sick from consuming spoiled love. Yes, love can make you sick if you’re not pure, healthy and whole. See love is like a vaccine, it injects you to make you more able to fight off certain diseases, but…what if you’ve already been exposed to what they are exposing you too? What if a previous relationship broke your heart or even parts of your mind, and now everything you think of is tainted by what happened? Then, a new person comes along with their imperfections, longing and wanting to get it right with you…and you poison their love with your antibodies that has gone rogue. Instead of fighting off the infected parts of what hurt you, it starts attacking the love the other person is so desperately trying to give to you. And Lord forbid if they hurt you too. Some of us need to detox from all the ways new bacteria can enter our lives. We need to cut off anything that is not sterile enough to be around an open wound. We need to drain any infection from our system and check to make sure other areas are not affected as well. Simply put, we need a dating timeout. A dating timeout is when you just press pause on starting anything new that can distract you from being healed and becoming whole. I know sometimes that feels like you’re being punished right when you think you need someone there to love you the most, but the fact is you’re going to hurt them if you don’t get right within first.

People are people and no matter how much a person loves you, they are going to do things that hurts, annoys, or discourages you…how you choose to deal with it shows if you are ready to be with someone, or if you need a little more time in timeout. No matter what your partner does or says to hurt you, do not do anything that you wouldn’t want done to you. Notice I didn’t say “well if a person cheats on you or constantly disrespects you then yea, wild out”. First, you shouldn’t be in a relationship like that and b) ANOTHER PERSON’S ACTIONS SHOULD NEVER DICTATE YOURS! Most people act in a civilized and mature way when they get what they want. The true character of a person is measured by how they handle it when things don’t go their way or when things blow up in their face.

If you are reading this and saying “Jai, come on, that’s impossible. I gotta let them know not to hurt me or try me like that”, then ask yourself why is that? Why can’t you just walk away or go your separate ways until you’re in a mental space to work your way through it? Is it possible that we have normalized toxic reactions to situations too? Ask yourself this question…how would you handle a messed up situation right now? Would you be calm and try to work your way through it, or would you explode? So many people think that anger issues are the only reason people “snap”, but we have a WHOLE SHOW that proves that isn’t always true. Major irritation, being easily frustrated, and even being overly sensitive can all be signs that it’s time for you to take a RELATIONSHIP DETOX! There are three main reasons that taking time out to focus on restoring you is important:

1) In these alone moments we get to redefine who we are, discover who we have become, and recognize new needs and desires that are important to us. So many of us jump from one relationship to the next and are never satisfied because we are seeking things that we no longer need from our partners. OR, we don’t seek out the new things we DO need cause we haven’t taken the time to examine our lives, the growth we’ve made and what is important to us now. Taking time out allows you to discover you again as you take off the layers of toxicity that has clogged your soul. It also gets you to rediscover your own faults. Some of us try so hard not to do one thing, not realizing that thing is not even an issue for us anymore. You warn your partners about triggers that no longer affect you, but leave yourself wide open cause now there are all these new vulnerable spaces that you aren’t even aware of. You’re out here feeling guilty cause you think you got a smart mouth and quick temper but you actually don’t. Once you may have but you now are actually gracious and even tempered. You do however want to be held a little more when you guys are intimate. You never wanted that in the past and if you don’t do the work during these timeouts, you don’t even know THAT’S why you’re tripping. You don’t have an attitude problem, you just need a hug lol.

2) You get to regain control of your spirit. I actually put this one second even though most would put it first because I am a firm believer that your mind has to be clear before you can even focus on anything else. I don’t care how much God you have, if your mind and heart isn’t right, you’re still not going to be ok. God is a spirit and just like every other spirit we interact with on a daily basis, we have to make room for Him. Just living takes up sooo much of our time and energy, so any time we can grab a few moments to focus on God and our spirits, we should jump at it. Connecting with God re-centers you and cleanses your soul. Putting the focus back on Him allows everything else to get back into focus too. It also makes us better people. Anything you meditate on becomes what you become like. The more we focus on Jesus and His love for us, the more we can see Him in ourselves, and just as importantly, in our future spouses.

3) You get to heal. Just like in real life, when you get really really sick, sometimes you have to check into a hospital, a clinic or a rehab facility. We don’t realize the affect that break-ups
have on people. The very definition of trauma is “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.” Going from being and talking with someone daily and having 24/7 access to them to not talking to them at all can be very distressing and disturbing to one’s mind, psyche, heart and spirit. Anything you do for 21 days becomes a habit, and most of our past relationships went on for months and years. You need to heal from just the fact that they are no longer there. That’s why when you enter a new relationship too soon, it doesn’t feel right even if the other person is doing everything right. Subconsciously, we are comparing them to our old partners and are now getting frustrated because they want to go home and take a shower right after work before coming over whereas your ex would come straight from work. We take them not coming right over as a sign that something is wrong, or that they don’t love us like our ex, or worse yet, maybe there is somebody else, and that one is true. There is somebody else…THEY ARE SOMEBODY ELSE. They are completely different from your ex. They may need a few moments to themselves so they can then give themselves completely to you, and that’s ok.

Relationship timeouts are needed to self-heal and self-soothe. Self-healing is not just scented candles and warm bubble baths. During this time of self discovery and reflection, it’s imperative that you rediscover who you are and WHOSE you are. This journey is needed to add value back to your life, and future relationships. Somewhere out there your future partner is praying for you just like you are praying for them, and they deserve the best version of you possible.

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